This piece was originally written for the Connect Magazine, Annual Edition, 2025.
Death is an inevitable encounter for each being with a physical body. At some point this will be our own death. Until then, the deaths of beings we love and are connected with will form part of the ‘mandala’ of our life.
In many Wisdom Traditions, Indigenous cultures, and to some degree ‘Western’ psychological theory, grieving refers to a process we move through to make sense of the death of beings we have a bond with. In this pluralist society with varied and contradictory beliefs, this article draws predominately on contemplative approaches to the grieving process.
Grieving is viewed as an active and dynamic process. It takes place at the emotional, mental, physiological, social, and spiritual layers of ourselves. Grieving involves making space for a collection of emotions such as sadness, longing, disbelief, despair, confusion, as well as emotions not commonly talked about such as anger at the being who has died, and relief they are no longer alive. Alongside these more challenging emotions, grieving can also open us to the wonderment of this precious and finite plane of existence. Acceptance of the being’s death and gratitude for the place they held in our life can also be part of grieving. It is an internal process; an inward, deeply personal journey. Grieving is also an external process; an outward collection of practical tasks and changing roles within the social context.
Grieving rituals can facilitate the internal and external process. Grieving rituals enable an expression of emotions and demarcates how life was ‘before’ and ‘after’ the death of the being you are connected with. This article is an invitation to explore if a grieving ritual resonates for you. If yes, you could create your own grieving ritual by drawing on your own inner wisdom and any inspiring and comforting influences. Additionally, you could find a sense of solace in an established grieving ritual from the Wisdom Traditions and Indigenous Cultures, or the array of more recent grief and loss literature. Alternatively, you could choose not to have any explicit grieving ritual but rather allow a more organic grieving process to emerge as you move through life.
If you feel drawn to creating your own grieving ritual here are some elements you could consider:
- What date would you hold the grieving ritual; such as the anniversary of their death, their birth date, another date that is significant to you and/or the being that died?
- Where would you hold the grieving ritual; such as in your home, outside in Nature, a public space like a community hall or café?
- Who would you like to be part of the grieving ritual; is it just for yourself or are there one or a few beings you could have witness you or participate in the ritual?
- What physical items would give depth and meaning to the grieving ritual; such as a photo, an item that was significant to the being who died, a seedling to be planted in the Earth?
- Are there some quotes, poems, music, sounds, movement or other symbolic gestures that give expression to your inner world?
- What messages do you as the person who is grieving need to hear and what messages do you feel to send to the being who has died?
- How can you remind yourself that both the preparation and enactment of the grieving ritual are equally important?
- Is there anything else you feel to consider?
While there is no ‘right way’ to move through the grieving process, often people speak of the ‘waves’ of grief. Generally, grieving may be more intense just after a being’s death and at anniversaries and other significant times. There may also be a softening or lessening or easing of grief over time. As being ‘stuck’ in grief does occur, grieving rituals can offer comfort and solace as you make space for the waves of grief.
No Generative AI was used in writing this article.
Books & trainings influencing this article
Joan Halifax, 2019, Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death. Shambala.
Irvin Yalom, 2008, Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Dread of Death. Scribe.
Sogyal Rinpoche, 1994. Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. HarperCollins.
Stephen Jenkinson, 2015, Die Wise: A manifesto for Sanity and Soul. North Atlantic Publishers.
Zenith Virago, 2019, Two day ‘Deathwalker’ training in Cairns. Natural Death Care Centre.
If you feel drawn to creating a Grieving Ritual – please contact me so we can talk further.